Friday, the 13th - Part 3 - "Saturday the 14th"

The next day after a very pedestrian ceremony, we called up Enterprise to check if Andrea (we might have to convert the cameo to a credited role) could rent out an SUV to drive us to our car and return back to Amherst to return it. Since she was under 25, Enterprise told us that they could not do it. However, if I could be the primary driver, she could be added on as a secondary. We agreed to that on the phone and drove down to Enterprise. The agent checked our licenses, called her insurance agent and got insurance info, did the same for me and asked both to fax our insurance details to him (this is the first time I have seen any rental agency do this). Then, he started filling out the paperwork, gave me the keys and told me "You can drive, she cannot"!!! Then why is she the secondary driver!!! We did not have time to waste on him and recruited another person (in came Byron the Texan-cowboy-researcher to the rescue) to get his car so that we would have two cars to fit all of us.

But by then, Amherst was becoming a jail. The undergrad commencement was about to begin and all roads out were closed. We pleaded with cops, drove through strip malls to get behind them and raced against time to reach the repair shop just before it closed. A few hours of driving later, we reached home and Friday the 13th finally ended.

PS: To seek commercial rights to this thriller, contact me by commenting on this series of blogs.

Friday, the 13th - Part 2 - "The journey to Amherst"

.............Yes, the evening before Tejaswini's graduation my car broke down. Teju switched off the car and I asked all to get out (which was easy considering the traffic). After realizing that it was just steam and not smoke emanating from the hood, we put the car in neutral and took it to the side of the street. A cop came in soon and asked about us. We told her that we had insurance and would call them.

I called up my insurer and it took them over 30 minutes to find someone who could tow us. She told me that since no repair shop was currently open, they would tow us the next morning and that she would find us a taxi to get us out of there now. Leaving the car there was not an option for me and I requested her to tow the car to whichever hotel we were taxied to. Finally another 15 mins later, she found a tow company who could tow us to a repair shop who would repair it the next day. She then put me on hold to find a taxi company. Half an hour later she asked me to call the cops and ask them to help find a taxi.

Not knowing anything else I could do, I called 911. 15 mins later, a cop car arrived. The cop got out of the car and told us to get back to the car. After this ordeal, we did not like being treated as criminals. The previous cops had been nice but this cop was rude. He told us that no cab would pick us up on the highway, we could not walk off, he could not guide us off the expressway since the next few exits were closed and that we had to get out in the tow truck. The tow truck arrived and could seat a max of two. I turned back to the cop and asked him how we could get off now and he yelled at me "Dont panic, we will figure out a way to get you out of there”. I think he mistook the panicker! Thankfully, Teju had found a taxi service that would pick us up by then. We thanked the cop (who had not let us get our stuff out of the car either for safety reasons and waited for the cab with the tow truck.

The cab driver called us a few mins later and we told him exactly where we were and that there was a tow truck with flashing lights behind us........and he missed us! He turned around at the next exit and reached us a few minutes later and we found out that after telling the cab company at least 4 times that there were 5 of us, they had sent a sedan. Thankfully, the cab driver, seeing out plight was kind enough to allow us all to squeeze in. We took the cab straight to Amherst. Thankfully, our friends in Amherst (Andrea and Kratae in special cameos) had delivered the robe and hood to our hotel which was a 5 min walk from the spot of the ceremony. Andrea had even started to drive down to pick us up before we got the cab. We were glad that we did not have to rush around to pick up stuff and fell into bed past 1AM on Friday, the 13th. Little did we know that the day had just begun………watch out for the thrilling finale to this 3 part blog coming to the internet this weekend.

The graduation ceremony was on Friday, the 13th

Yes, Friday the 13th. This story is not about that day alone though but everything that led to it. My wife, Tejaswini, was to get her degree from the University of Massachusetts, Amherst on Friday, the 13th day of May in 2011 AD. Her mother had traveled a million miles to be here for the day and her sister, Madhuvanti, and Madhuvanti's fiancee (Niranjan) were traveling from Purdue to attend the ceremony.

The plan was for Teju and her mom to get to Maryland (from New York) on the 11th (wed) for my birthday. Madhuvanti and Niranjan were to get there later that day. We would then drive to Massachusetts for the graduation after I got off work on Thursday. Friday, after the graduation we would drive to NY and on Saturday Madhuvanti would leave to the Netherlands for an internship and Niranjan would return to Purdue.

The 11th of May arrived and my wife and mother-in-law traveled 7 hours to get to MD. We celebrated my birthday with a friend and his wife and then we left to pick up the Hoosiers from the airport. As we were leaving for the airport at 11pm, we were locked in the apartment building as the door knob was broken. We opened the door by sliding a credit card through it and called up the emergency contact number for the apartment and told them to fix the door or else we would not be able to get in. We propped the door open and left. A couple of hours later, when we got back, the door was still broke. The credit card trick could not work from the outside. We called up the apartment complex again and 20 mins later, the maintenance guy called and asked if we were still stuck.. duh! Then he went on to ask if we had pinged our neighbors.. knowing well that it was past midnight. When we told him that we could not wake up people, his comment was - "Well, you woke me up"! Dude, you are being paid for this! He arrived 20 mins later, tried to open up the door, failed and rang all the buzzers shouting "Maintenance, open the door" to all who responded. The surprising part was he was shocked when no one buzzed him in. We finally got into bed at about 2 that night and I woke up early next day and reached work at 6:30 am.

At about 3:30 pm, we began the long (7-8 hr) drive to Amherst. As we entered NY, Teju took the car from me. The night then got livelier as we hit traffic on I-84 in Connecticut. 15 mins later as Teju put her foot on the accelerator, there was a puff of smoke from the hood...........to be continued in part 2 of this thrilling 3 part blog

Pardon???

This blog is based on a conversation I had with someone recently. To protect the identity of the person, the story has been changed to a fictional one. However, it is a fair representation of the story as those who know the real story will attest.

I was talking to Blond Bimbo recently. Here is the conversation

Me: How did the sourdough bread recipe I gave you work out Blond Bimbo?

Blond Bimbo (BB): Oh! It did not do too well. I made it for our family reunion this past week and everyone said they liked Aunt Jemima's cake better than mine.

Me: But I gave you a recipe for bread. Why will people like it as a cake better than a real cake ?

BB: But I never bake bread. I always bring a cake for the all family dinners. Uncle Ben brings the bread.

Me: But you had asked for a recipe for bread!!!....

BB: Well yes, Uncle Ben said that next time onwards he would prefer to bring rice so I volunteered to bake bread. Oh! By the way, do you have another recipe for bread? As I told you the last one flopped.

Me: But you gave it to them as cake. Try to give it as bread. Do you think it was a good bread?

BB: Oh! I never bake bread so I do not know whether it turned out fine. Anyways, give me your new recipe and I will practice it to make sure it turns out fine for the next reunion.

Me: Tell you what, try the recipe I gave you today.... and if it you do not like it as, uh.. BREAD, I will give you another one tomorrow. I am sure you have some time...right? I mean, your family reunion can't be tomorrow if you plan to practice baking the bread.

BB: Oh! no... its not tomorrow. Its tonight.

Me: Mouth agape... Give up mode... Brain drained... Do not remember rest of conversation...

I swear this is a fair representation of the story. If at all, I have toned it down to make it easier to understand (I am not sure I understood what the person was saying or the person did themself).

Health vs Taste = David vs Goliath?

It was a sad commentary on the human nature at the Institute of Food Technologists' conference last week. I attended a networking meeting with free food. There were two tables, one with pizza and another with fruits and veggies. The pizza line had about 60 people while there was no line for the veggies. People were asking me why I was eating veggies - did I not know that there was free pizza?

This at a meeting of food technologists who know (and "educate" others) about the need to eat right. This just brings to the forefront a problem the food industry is well aware of - that people eat what tastes good irrespective of its effects on their health.

To change the way people eat, the industry has to make healthy foods taste just as good as fried foods. Thus, the goal is not for health to win over taste but for them to become friends - and that, my friends, is the true battle.

PS: I am not trying to justify what the industry has done or is doing - I'm just drawing conclusions from my observations. Please let me know if you have opposing views.

Burning car

Just saw a burning truck on the I-65. Hope noone was seriously injured. Below are some pics.

Zara hatke, zara bachke, ye hai Mumbai meri jaan

First of all I apologize to my blog followers (all two of them) for deserting you for so long. I get into the habit of writing blogs and then disappear as lethargy creeps in and inertial forces get higher. There have been several posts I have been contemplating but never got to writing. Today, however, is different. Today, I feel at home. I am in Mumbai all over again. Not physically there but the conditions remind me of home.

I woke up in the morning to a roar of thunder. A thunderstorm had been raging all night. I got ready and got breakfast. All of a sudden, water started gushing in through the window sill. I woke up my roommate (Yashwantrao, he of "Yashwantrao gele Americela" fame) and we started moving everything away from the water, wiping water off using towels and keeping a bucket where required.

Yash's mother told me to not go today but I told her that I would be disowned by my citypeople (Mumbaikars) if I stayed back. I prayed to Mumba devi (the goddess after whom Mumbai is named) and started for work. On the way, I passed Suman Nagar (the name I gave to the area that was flooded as Suman Nagar always is) and had to drive VERY slowly to avoid damage to the car. I encountered the same problem near the parking lot at work but drove around it.

So all in all, what problems do we encounter in Mumbai during the monsoon:
1) Stormy weather all the time....................check
2) Flooded roads..................................check
3) Dripping houses................................check

And yet, the Mumbaikar walks on. Hail Mumbai, Hail Mumbaikars and Jai MumbaDevi.

What recession?

Rather than writing too much in this post, I am just going to post a picture taken in Lafayette, IN.

The moment

With my PhD, I have also declared myself as an MS Office (Master of Science in Microsoft Office). This omnipresent software is the bane of many a report due to the fact that it has a mind of its own. I decided to confer the degree on myself for the relative ease with which I compiled my whole dissertation. However, the moment of truth arrived when I realized that some of my tables had some extra space when compared to all the rest. A million different techniques (changing the paragraph settings and 999,999 other trials) later I found it neatly tucked in the table layout tab under the section for cell size after pressing the radio button labelled positioning where there were two ways to format the space. The moment I found it, the realization struck me - I was ready to graduate.

PS: It still beats me why Microsoft need to place 4 different ways to format the space before a table and then auto format extra space in some tables using the least used of the 4 tools.

Kung Fu PhD

Overall Conclusions:
As I conclude my "The PhD dissertation I never wrote series" also known as my "PhD hypotheses series", I would like to put forth the true meaning of a PhD as explained very well by the movie Kung Fu Panda.

Just as in the movie, we all fall into gradschool from the sky and are picked by a seemingly random process (like the tortoise Master Oogway pointing at the giant panda (you) who fell right where he was pointing just by chance). We enter grad school with dreams of being a dragon warrior (or at the very least getting a Nobel prize out of it). In grad school, we feel like a nobody and feel that those around us like the Tigress, Viper, Mantis, Monkey and Crane are much smarter and more accomplished than us.

As we progress through the tough travails of grad school, we keep feeling that we are not learning anything and our research is going nowhere. We then progress to the later stages of our PhD and as we get close to graduation, we realize that the secret to limitless power/knowledge that we thought a PhD held (the dragon scroll), is actually a blank scroll. We then confront the supposedly demonic Tai Lung (our committee) prior to graduation.

However, this does not mean that a PhD is worthless and does not teach you anything. What a PhD teaches you is intangible, it is the ability to be able to self learn, to understand life and solve its tough problems, like figuring out the wuxi fingerhold by yourself which the master's students (Tigress et al.) are unable to do.

Cleaning up your desk is beneficial (Corrolary - When you lose something, clean up)

Editor's note: This is a series entitled "Shriram Paranjpe's Ph.D. hypotheses series". The experiments documented through this series have reportedly been referred to as "lacking scientific merit". However, in a bold move, this blog has decided to print them. We believe ourselves to be visionaries who will be feted by future generations. Unfortunately, we will not get the pleasure of being acknowledged by our own. Your comments on this specific article or the whole series will be greatly appreciated.

Introduction:
Previous studies have indicated that junk accumulates (Paranjpe 2009 - have to self reference at least once right). This research was therefore carried out to identify the reasons for the differences between this great research paper and suggestions made otherwise in popular sitcoms (Geller 1994-2003) that junk does not accumulate (that is 2 degrees of separation between me and a character in FRIENDS). A thorough literature review indicated that the root cause of this difference is that junk is not allowed to accumulate in most places. The motivation behind this cleanup has not been studied (in other words, I want my theory to be correct and therefore, I am not referencing the others). Therefore, we dreamed up this study. The objective of this research was to understand the motivation behind cleaning up.

Materials and methods:
The piled up junk was cleaned up at the three places where it was reportedly allowed to pile up (Paranjpe 2009) and the benefits of the actions were studied.

Results and Discussion:
The cleanup at the office resulted in retrieval of a long lost 2 GB flash drive as well as a movie rewards card that will give me two free cokes and a popcorn with the purchase of just 2 more movie tickets. This is a great result which indicates the true motivation behind cleaning up. However, the clean up in the other two locations resulted in nothing of value being found. The results of the study are therefore not totally clear.

Conclusions:
A part of the study indicated that there is some motivation behind cleaning up. However, the result was not statistically significant and needs further research.

Future work:
It is possible that motivation might not be the actual driving force behind this tendency to clean up. Some researchers have suggested that the root cause of the clean up motion is psychological with childhood trauma (being forced by parents/being punished) and sociological limitations (How can you live here?) possibly playing a part in the clean up process. Since psychological analysis was not a part of our grant, this angle was not studied further.

Junk accumulates

Editor's note: This is a series entitled "Shriram Paranjpe's Ph.D. hypotheses series". The experiments documented through this series have reportedly been referred to as "lacking scientific merit". However, in a bold move, this blog has decided to print them. We believe ourselves to be visionaries who will be feted by future generations. Unfortunately, we will not get the pleasure of being acknowledged by our own. Your comments on this specific article or the whole series will be greatly appreciated.

Introduction:
This experiment was carried out to verify earlier rumors that, well, junk accumulates.

Materials and methods:
This experiment was carried out in triplicates in the office, lab and room of the then non Dr. Shriram Paranjpe. Stuff was left undisturbed for four years and the results are shown below.

Results and Discussion:
Figures 1 and 2 below shows the amount of junk that was recovered when the office and lab were cleaned. Data from the room could not be published due to copyright issues. However, figure 3 shows a shot of the kitchen being reorganized

Figure 1: Office cleanup



Figure 2: Stuff recovered from lab



Figure 3: Kitchen reorganization

Conclusion:
Junk accumulates

Exciting Indiana - A tourist promotion

I picked up my father in law from Chicago airport yesterday. After a long journey, he was making a valiant attempt to stay awake since he was sitting next to the driver (me). Every time he woke up, I enthusiastically acted as the tour guide and told him that there were corn fields on the left and soy farms on the right (or something to that effect). He would promptly fall asleep again.

Exciting Indiana!!!!!!!!!!

Books borrowed from the library remain stationary unless you graduate

Editor's note: This is a series entitled "Shriram Paranjpe's Ph.D. hypotheses series". The experiments documented through this series have reportedly been referred to as "lacking scientific merit". However, in a bold move, this blog has decided to print them. We believe ourselves to be visionaries who will be feted by future generations. Unfortunately, we will not get the pleasure of being acknowledged by our own. Your comments on this specific article or the whole series will be greatly appreciated.

Introduction:
Previous research has suggested that books borrowed from the library have a habbit of disappearing. However, most of these studies have been carried out with limited subjects and have been short term studies. This work was aimed at studying the topic in depth over a long time.

Materials and Methods:
Books were borrowed from Purdue Libraries over 4 years. Some books were returned during the course of the 4 years but a majority of the books (41) were returned at the end of the trial period. The positioning, motion and presence of the books was studied when they were procured and when they had to be returned without any check on the time in between. The procurement of the books was randomized (ie different types of books were borrowed from different libraries on campus). Books were stored at three different locations (home, office, lab) to ensure repeatability of the trials.

Results and Discussion:
All 41 books that had been kept for the entire study were found to be in their original places. This finding debunked the earlier reported theory (Murphy et. al. 1982) that stuff disappears and is not found when you need to return in prior to graduation. It also agrees with previous results on stationary bodies (Newton 1693) which find that they remain at rest unless acted upon by an external force (in this case, graduation)

Conclusion:
Books borrowed from the library remain stationary unless you graduate

Acknowledgements:
The authors would like to thank the Purdue University Libraries for their help in loaning out the books over long periods of time and allowing one touch online renewal.

Thank you all

Before, I begin my PhD hypotheses series, I would like to thank all of you for your support during my PhD either personally or by reading and commenting on this blog. I would like to begin the series as any dissertation begins - With my Acknowledgements

Acknowledgements

Four years of madness

Four years of studies

Could it be done without you?

Heck no! Puhleez!

This is to my guru, he who guided me

Gave me the freedom and asked questions when need be

For all of this and the wisdom that you bestowed on me

Dear Dr. Morgan, I thank ye

For questioning, guiding, encouraging

And hopefully passing me

I would like to thank you

Drs. Narsimhan, Corvalan and Ferruzzi

Forever helpful, always resourceful

Thank you for your help Benjamin Paxson

I thank Steve Smith for the pilot plant he runs

I have borrowed from it often, thanks for not coming behind me with a gun

For devoting your time and expertise to me

I wish to thank thee

Amy, Ben, Mandar, Deepak, Cynthia, Nirupama

Kingsley, Vaishnavi, Dhananjay and Madhuvanti

In the past four years

In FS I would roam

Its faculty staff, students, I thank you

For making me feel at home

All work and no play

Would have made Shriram a dull boy

My roommates and friends at Purdue and beyond

I thank you for providing the joy

The love of my life, my darling wife

A supportive friend, my guiding light

Thanks for always showing me Tejaswini

That the end of the tunnel was in sight

My parents, my sisters

As the youngest of the three

I thank you from the bottom of my heart

For always being there for me

The blog returns

Hey guys,

Dr. Shriram Paranjpe’s blog is back here. We apologize for the break in between but we spent it well. The blog has been updated from Shriram Paranjpe's blog to Dr. Shriram Paranjpe's blog. The past couple of months were spent on giving the finishing touches to the upgrade (dissertaton writing, defending etc).

Version Dr.0 of this blog will begin with some parts of my work that could not be included in my dissertation, supposedly due to "lack of scientific merit" to them. However, in the interest of furthering science, the next few blogs will carry what I call "My PhD hypotheses series" after which Yashwantrao Gele Americela will return.

Website created!

Hey guys,

I have created the website for my mother. It is a very basic website. Check it out at www.akalpitaparanjpe.com. Do pass on the word about her candidature to all you know. We need the change and passing on the word is the minimum we can do.

Yashwantrao gele Americela will be back soon

Rukawat ke liye khed hai

Sorry for the delay in posting blogs of late friends. I am currently (rather unsuccessfully) working on a website for my mother who is contesting the elections from Mumbai South Central Constituency. This is taking up a lot of my free time and therefore, no blogs. Sorry.

On a more serious note, I would like to post more information about my mother's candidature. My mother has always had a passion to serve people. For 25 years, she held free consultations thrice a week to guide people on homeopathic and ayurvedic medicine. I always saw her as a visionary with dreams of serving the country and got the feeling that us three kids were holding her back. Once we were all out of college, she began to focus on her true passion, nation building. In 2007, she quit her job and dedicated herself full time to her passion. I truly believe her to be a great candidate, a brilliant scientist with the vision and passion to lead a samartha samruddha Bharat desh.

She is contesting as a candidate for Bharat Uday Mission, a party with only one mission, the rise of a great nation. This party was initiated by IITians 3-4 years ago to promote professionalism in politics and remove corruption. My mother is its current president. For more information on the party, you can visit their website at www.bharatudaymission.in.

Please pass on the word about her candidature. If you are interested in knowing more about it, mail me at shriniram@gmail.com or leave a comment and I will get back to you with her vision, her goals and her biography.

YGA becomes a bestseller

In a strong testimony to the popularity of this blog, Yashwantrao gele Americela (Hindi title - Yashwantrao gaye Amrika) has found a place in the Book Channel's "One billion things to read before you die" guide. According to their website, the list was created after asking everyone on the planet for their vote. Yash's book was nominated by him, his parents and two of his room-mates. The researchers involved were surprised by the high number of blogs that found a place on the list, 99% of this one nominated by one person or less. In a shocking turn of events, one of the most popular literary figures of all time, William Shakespeare found none of his books on the list.

In an unrelated story, Wikipedia reports that none of the Bard's relatives are alive today.

The birthday that changed it all

We continue today with another excerpt from Yashwantrao gele Americela. The topic is the birthday of Narendra Sharma aka my room-mate urf Jaipur ke kunwar-raj alias nirvanainme also known as Bebe.

"It was Spring of 2009 when the birthday of nirvanainhim Narendra Sharma changed all laws of birthdays. Here are some myths that were shattered (or proven if exceptions prove the rule:

1) A birthday party makes the house dirty: Our house was actually cleaner after the party since we had to clean up the table to place the cake, chips etc and those got finished so the house was cleaner.

2) Cake is bad for the carpet: Commonly cakes have a problem of falling to the ground after being applied on the face. However, due to optimization by all the Industrial Engineers and IITians present, proper cake texturization with guidance from the food scientist (my roommate Shriram) and 99.99% absolute pure luck, the cake had enough adhesion to stick to Narendra's face and was not a slave of gravity.
This also helped in the house being cleaner after the party.

3) Chappals and shoes do not hurt once you have attained moksha: Narendra was given his last set of birthday bumps (or so the grad students claimed as they let off all their frustrations) since he would be married by his next birthday. Although Narendra has seemingly attained nirvana (freedom from suffering), the smile disappeared on each shot.

Here are some pictures from the party. To find out more myths that were shattered at that party, read "Yashwantrao gele Americela" out in hardcover and paperback only from Deshmukh Publications, Pimpri-Chinchwad, Maharashtra, India. Available online at www.yashwantraogeleamericela.com. Price only Rs.999 ($34.99 in the US)